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I know this hurts, it was meant to (it was meant to) [entries|friends|calendar]
igiveandtheytak

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[Sunday, December 25th, 2005
@ 12:13am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Wow been a while.... I dont know what made me log into lj today, sheer boredom i guess. I have to say though it is quite interesting to look back over the things i used to write. Its hard to believe that i used to pour my depressed teenage heart out to complete strangers on a blog. However i guess nothing seems too crazy when you consider the mental state one would be in after a year of being caught in the middle of two girls. Whats even harder to believe is that things in that regard are actually worse now than they were back then. Doesnt matter though, four years of the world's most devastatingly extraordinary romance will give a guy a pretty hard shell. Now that i can reflect on what i have already been through it makes what is here and ahead seem so .... manageable.

About now- now is pretty much work, school, porneoke, and not much else. Yeah, there are girls but i never really give anyone a fair chance. I did kind of have a moment today though. You know those moments when you can think so clearly it seems surreal? Maybe its time i started going out with my friends again and partying like i used to. My youth is slipping away really fast so i guess i better start enjoying it before it is gone.

Anyways this is one for old times sake. Will it be another many months before i post again? I have no idea, but it doesnt matter anyways because i am the only one who will be reading any of this.


Don't wanna think about it,
I indulge myself
Distraction eases pain, bury my
Emotions to protect myself.
Till I can't feel a fucking thing
Locked in this cage that I've
Built myself
Constructed out of twisted cold
Reminders of a Life once lost
But I've found my way again.

to be saved

[Saturday, August 27th, 2005
@ 6:48am]
new beginnings?
to be saved

[Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
@ 12:28am]
it's negative i wish you the worst dear,
to feel the greatest pain a positive
you say it's all in vain i know i felt,
and i won't feel again i owe you hours of madness,
years of dysfunction, the deepest embitterment
no will to strive or achieve,
finally in breakdown perpetual fall on your knees,
as you crawl back to me
it ends like this
i can hope for bliss, if you fail again
'cause i'm right here, to witness every step and when you trip,
i will cherish it
hours of madness,
years of dysfunction, the deepest embitterment
no will to strive or achieve,
finally in breakdown perpetual fall on your knees,
as you crawl back to me
i live to watch you fail,
i live to watch you fail i live to watch you fail,
i am the wind in your sail
i wish you the worst dear, to feel the greatest pain
'cause i'm right here,
to retrieve all you stole every tear,
and everything you own
i wish you hours of madness,
years of dysfunction, the deepest embitterment
no will to trust anyone this is how i lived,
this is how you left me blue and i'd crawl back to you
to be saved

Happy fucking birthday [Saturday, July 30th, 2005
@ 1:52am]
I am happy without you
to be saved

[Monday, July 18th, 2005
@ 6:14am]
I sit here quietly and watch the sun set
Thinking of someone that I've never met
I wonder does she think of me too
Needless to say I am thinking of you

Wanting to hold you, to see your face
To take you away to a better place
You feel so right, too good to be true
I just can't stop thinking of you

My friends say that I might regret
Losing my heart to a girl I've not met
I say there is nothing I can do
I cannot help thinking of you

I believe you were made special for me
But wonder if that could possibly be
I'm tired of being so alone and blue
But I always smile when thinking of you.
to be saved

[Friday, July 15th, 2005
@ 8:32am]
[ mood | tired ]

Long, long, long, long, long night. Somewhat good, somewhat bad, but mostly meaningless. Time to go to sleep. . . . finally

1 I'm dying to be saved

[Thursday, July 14th, 2005
@ 4:21am]
I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out- the jokes on you
we are salt- you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
because i know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me

take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in while

and did you hear the news?
i could dissect you
and gut you on this stage
not as elequent as i may have imagined
but it will get the job done (you're done)
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage

take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
to be saved

[Thursday, July 14th, 2005
@ 3:47am]
[ mood | Disgusted ]

you bring out the worst in me you bring out the worst in me you bring out the worst me


Go on just say it,
You need me like a bad habit,
One that leaves you defenseless, dependent, and alone.
Go on just say it (Are you afraid to),
You need me like a bad habit (Say what you want to, tell me you want to),
One that leaves you defenseless, dependent, and alone. (Are you afraid to say what you want to, tell me you want to).

I hold my tongue use it to assess,
The damage from way back when it mattered,
But nothing seems important anymore,
We’re just protecting ourselves from our self,
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back…

Are you ashamed to say what you want to tell me you want to.
Are you ashamed to say what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it) Are you ashamed to (Come on just say it) say what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it) Are you ashamed to (Come on just say it) say what you want to tell me you want to.

I’m making the difference,
It just seems pointless,
With all the obvious lines all out of focus.
Why can’t you just be happy,
Why can’t you just be happy.
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back down),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down (I don’t think I’ll ever come back…),
I don’t think I’ll ever come back...

(Just come back, just come back...)
Go on just say it, (just come back...)
Come on just say it, (just come back...)
Well I’ll just say it, (just come back...)
I’ll just say it, (just come back...)
I need you defenseless, dependent and alone.
(Just come back, just come back, just come back...)
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
Can't you live without the attention?
Can't you live without the attention?
(Just come back, just come back, just come back...)
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
Can't you live without the attention?
Can't you live without the attention?

She says live up to your first impression (Come on, just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention (Come on, just say it),
Why can't you live without the attention (I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live without the attention (alone).
She says live up to your first impression (I just say it),
Well my best side was your worst invention (I just say it),
Why can't you live without the attention (I need you defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live without the attention (Alone),
Why can't you live (Defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live (Defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live…without…live…without (Defenseless, dependent, defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live (Defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live (Defenseless, dependent),
Why can't you live…without…live…without (Defenseless, dependent, defenseless, dependent).

to be saved

[Friday, April 1st, 2005
@ 2:58am]
Light that smoke, that one for giving up on me
And one just cause they’ll kill you sooner than my expectations
To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar (to my favorite scar):
“I could have died with you”
I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle- I confess
Now ask yourself, yeah, out on the insides, I said I loved you but I lied

Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you

So bury me in memory
His smile’s your rope
So wrap it tight around your throat

On the drive home
Joke about the kid you used to see
And his jealousy
Breaking hearts has never looked so cool
As when you wrap your car around a tree
Your makeup looks so great next to his teeth

Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you

So bury me in memory
His smile’s your rope
So wrap it tight around your throat

So bury me in memory around your throat
3 I'm dying to be saved

[Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
@ 2:58am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Why did you have to call me today? I was doing just fine and not thinking about you. Then you had to go and call me today and ruin it. Fuck.
What was that movie where people cold have all their bad memories erased? I forget the name of it but i wish it were true in real life. I would give anything to forget all about you, have it erased from my memory like it never even happened.

2 I'm dying to be saved

[Saturday, February 26th, 2005
@ 4:03am]
[ mood | drunk ]

fucking wasted

to be saved

[Friday, February 25th, 2005
@ 2:31am]
(Fuck with my heart)
I'll teach you what it's like.
(To be so used)
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
(To make me sick)

And all I know is revenge is sweet when...

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(I'll take my time)
To slowly plot your end.
(And now I will)
Spit bullets with my pen.

And all I know is you're cute when you scream.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

I'll take you to the top,
Of this building and just push you off.
Run down the stairs so I can see your face
As you hit the street,
the street, the street, the street.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.
to be saved

[Monday, January 17th, 2005
@ 8:44pm]
so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder about that too.
to be saved

[Saturday, January 8th, 2005
@ 2:17am]
After one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we'll know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
to be saved

[Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
@ 2:22pm]
I won't forget the day that, that I came to
And I started thinking that there's more
Than just perfect prom queens and silver spoons
And all I ever wanted was someone to
knock me back to the bliss of ignorance
'Cause I feel like running head first into traffic.

And so I'm here to say
That thoughts in bed with pain.

I won't forget the day that, that I found god
In a kitchen knife now and on my arm
So paint the pale white floor with, with my red life
And tell myself this pain is the pain I love
As I swallow the pills of happiness
And you watch me fall like New York in an earthquake

And so I'm here to say
That thoughts in bed with pain.

I thought I wanted this.
I thought I wanted this.

(I'm here to say)
I said I wanted some more attention
I thought I wanted a story ending.

(I love the pain, I hate the pain)
I just give in.

(I love the pain, I hate the pain)
I just give in.

I think that the truth is I'm scared
I think that I'm just scared to live
I think that the truth is I'm scared
I think that the truth is I'm everything that I hate.
to be saved

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